≈≈≈ steven wright humor ≈≈≈
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≈≈ RUIN A BAND NAME ≈≈

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≈ by a slight mod or adding a word or two ≈
≈ many items stolen from facebook ...steven wright quotes
≈ from the comments section ... see other steven wright quotes at bottom ... also some comics from there ≈
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white privilege zombie vs black lives matter sabbath      «« ultimate battle-of-the-bands      

pearl toe jam
fleetwood mac and cheese
cancel culture club
guns & roseacea
mini pearl jam
earth wind and fire truck
hall and quaker oats
bruce springsteen & the vitamin e st. band
the beastieallity boys
cheryl eating crow
alan parsons project housing
creedence clearwater baptist revival
the tubes tied
stone temple kamikaze pilots
kansas city
smokey robinson and the miracle whips
the james chain gang
edgar winter wonderland
elton porta john
boston market
bb gun king
kiss ass
johnny cash check or money order
lead foot zepplin
sex toy pistols
mini van halen
the o'jays simpson
hall and quaker oats
leftover meatloaf
9 inch toe nails
kung foo fighters
flotsam and george jetson
coolio iglesias
38 special k
vanilla wafer ice
iron deficient maden
sound kindergarden
def snow leopard
jane's meth addiction
the fashion police
the four box tops
thin lizzie borden
marshal tucker carlson band
boston strangler
stevie wonder bread
rage against the washing machine
bare naked old ladies
billy club joel
curdled cream
the scooby doobie brothers
white privilege zombie
rolling gallstones
screw u2
joan jett lag
oreo speedwagon
britney spearchucker
public bathroom enemy
water guns and roses
aerosmith and wesson
pussy cat stevens
the old spice girls
white trouser snake
george jefferson airplane
golden shower earring
yes indeed
fleetwood mac-n-cheese
willie half nelson
olivia fig newton john
grateful walking dead
grateful undead
deep throat purple
the village idiot people
joe cocker spaniel
iron supplement maiden
stray cats litter box
derek and the dominos pizza
hvac/dc
the bald eagles
the grateful dead puppies
white supremacy zombie
stevie wonder bread
hootie and the blow me fish
cool aid and the gang
eddie rabbit stew
huey lewis and the fake news
alan parsons science project
the rabid pet shop boys
the chia pet shop boys
steve miller light band
three dead dog night
midnight oil slick
motley crue cut
rush limbaugh
urinal cake
crosby steals cash and runs
color blind faith
fleetwood mac and cheese
the heebee bee gees
the plastic ono not her band
wet kiss
mott applesauce the hoople
the scooby doobie doo brothers
led pencil zeppelin
joan jett lag
king kong crimson
the tragically hip replacement
the fashion police
talking black heads
police raid
the carpenters and electricians
bleach blondie
mini van halen
jane's gambling addiction
rage against the washing machine
three doors system of a down
warren peace zevon
grateful dead kennedys
david gilmore girls
fleetwood macintosh
boston cream pie
joe cocker spaniel
kitchen n'sync
night jeep ranger
peter piper gabriel
uriah junk heap
electric light beer orchestra
james bon jovie
lover boy toy
electric light orchestraw poll
38 special edition
the knick knack
elton long john
leon reditbone
beans and frank sinatra
country joe smith and the fish
son of a beach boys
quicksilver messenger secret service
janis scott joplin
stevie nickson impeachment
boy george jones
boys to men at work
dixie chicks fil-a
billy american idol
paul revere and the oakland raiders
iron butterfly kisses
radio head cheese
alice cooper in chains
eminem peanuts
vanilla fudged on their taxes
nickel and dime back
u2 r2d2
michael ronald mcdonald
merle streep haggard
the goo goo gai pan dolls
mc pneumatic hammer
vanilla ice coffee
petrafied
kings of leon spinks
emerson lake titicaca and palmer
queens reich of the stone age
eddie lucky rabbit foot
pink floyd rose bridge
the bates motels
humbolt state pie
3 doors down periscope
freddie fender bender
rushsia if you're listening
joe cocker? i only just met her!
new kids on the chopping block
the four table tops
boysenberries 2 men
carlos-san tana
creedence clear (of engrams) water revival ...(but not yet operating thetans) ...
(in scientology)

bb rebozo king
joe cocker spaniel
boys to old men
neilsimon and garfunkle
nickleback deposit
pearl jam sandwich
darth brooks
phish styx
walking dead kennedys
nickle back street boys
neil young diamond

baby slayer
the staple remover singers
the james gang bang
the rabid animals
crowded whore house
bow diddly squat
wheat thin lizzy
humble hair pie
electric shock therapy light orchestra
styx and stones
john denver omelette
peter paul and mary hartmann mary hartmann
arrest warrant
cheap trick pony
depesh à la mode
soundgarden gnome
kool-aid and the gang
drama queen
strawberry digital alarm clock
keith urban myth
the sock monkeys
baby huey and the news
billy american idol
pearl necklace jam
ac washington dc
cheap magic trick
ac dc power supply
derek and the domino's pizza
jeans coupon addiction
edgar winter formal
my chemical romance novel
steely dan rather
andrew jackson five
dorothy and toto
phil and joan collins
pink panther floyd
u number 2
the beach-ed whale boys
the mock turtles
9 inch nail fungus
thomas jefferson airplane
chamber pot brothers
electric chair light orchestra
sly and the family rolling stone
carol sofa king
snoop seeing eye dog
tone def leopard
the artist formerly known as prince charles
the allman joy brothers
study hall and oates
iron maiden taiwan
the velvet underground railroad
kenny loggins password
electric black light orchestra
nerf guns and roses
the beach erosion boys
the yoko hell no band
carol king crimson
9 inch nail fungus
panic attack at the disco
eric dose of clapton
carrie undertaker wood
the dave clark five and dime
wilson phillips milk of magnesia
eric clapton cheered
uncle tom waitts
pick up styx
boston cream pie
barry white supremacy
motley crue cut
iron maiden voyage
hill billy idol
the sliding back doors
sonny and time cher
jefferson paper airplane
google earth wind and fire
burnt meatloaf
the black keys matter
j-zz top
johnny cash check or money order
joan jett lag
creedence clearwater revival tent
britney spear mint gum
little river flooded band
10 years after thought
the spread eagles
defund the police
heart arrhythmia
boston commons
the marshall mother tucker band
lake placido domingo
marvin pray-away-the gaye
hello dolly parton
tom petty larceny
three dog night stalker
eddie owes money
pink elephant floyd
marylin charles manson
blue oyster rockefeller cult
system of a down syndrome
the rental cars
chick pea corea
deep purple rain
atlanta rhythm method section
win dixie dregs
rush order
stevie wonder where i put my keys
megadeth and taxes
zz topless
ozzie and harriet osborne
the james bond gang
blood sweat and tears for fears
elvis costello presley
alice in wonderland chains
john lennon sisters
new alphabetical order
pink flamingo floyd
kiss my ass
leonard cohen brothers
kidney stone temple pilots
five middle finger death punch
carly simon says
george isn't straight
alice mini cooper
adam ant pesticide
the beach boys to men
green bay packers
creedence clearwater revival tent
kenny password logins
batman and robin trower
wilson pickett fence
electric light bill orchestra
ark kansas
queens of the flintstone age
acdc vibrator
hermans hermit crabs
bb king wenceslaus
stepsons of the pioneers
carly simon and garfunkle
jethro gibbs tull
the roach motels
yes [pending investigation outcome]
santana roseannadana
drag queens of the stone age
bad company quarterly earnings statement
iron i can't believe it's not butterfly
gary u.s. james bonds
pearl strawberry jam
kc and the sunshine band aid
marshall dillon tucker band
rem speed wagon
boys 2 menopause
ratt attouille
the james bond gang
humble pie a la mode
stone buddhist temple pilots
the who knew? oy vey!
david essex tential crisis
cat atonic stevens
the king james version gang
adam and eve ant
frank furter sinatra
johnny cashier
ten years after parole
marshall tucker in for the night band
credence greywater revival
stephen moonshine stills
blood sweatpants and tears
adam antifa
the whom
flat earth wind and fire
death uber for cutie
1-877 johnny cash 4 cars
the four zz tops
misled zeppelin
bon bon jovi
denture cream
the jackson pollock five
frankie goes to hollywood squares
jefferson starship enterprise
motley cruetons
9 inch snails
rush limbaugh

the nude beach boys
deep throat purple
tom never waits
stevie wonder bread
emerson stagnant lake and palmer
zz top ramen
alice in wonderland cooper
carly simon says
kidney stone temple pilots
led paint zepplin
atlanta rhythm method section
three doors down syndrome
janes meth addiction
search warrant
police brutality
alice kramden in chains
steely danbury, connecticut
the backstreet proud boys
blue mountain oyster cult
neil industrial diamond
iron maidenform bra
throat culture club
glen campbell soup
crocodile tears for fears
johnny needs cash
dr. jon bon jovi
foo manchu fighters
the fallopian tubes
the allman soul brothers
billy false idol
gladys knight templar and the pips
martina mcbride of frankenstein
the police state
the carpenters union
stray cat stevens
old neil young
broken aerosmith
9 inch toe nails
tijuana brass knuckles
leaning tower of power
the thought police
the illegitimate sons of the pioneers
rage against the sewing machine
bread crumbs
mini van halen
led free zeppelin
the electric light beer orchestra
adam ant pesticide
blue point oyster cult
cat nip stevens
aerodynamic smith
johnny nuclear winter
chuck dingle berry
hall and quaker oats
public enema
beastie -ality boys
def leopard skin pillbox hat
the doors ajar
stone temple kamikaze pilots
lynyrd nimoy skynyrd
boston strangler
soylent green day
curdled cream
pussy cat stevens
white trouser snake
the old spice girls
olivia fig newton John
iron butterfly effect
earth wind and fire hydrant
the village idiot people
steve miller light band
the tragically hip replacement
king kong crimson
dokken pay
rolling stone temple pilots
kool-aid and the gang
the jackson five guys pizza
sonny and time cher
concealed carry underwood
three dog nightmare
sex workers pistols
not u2
marilyn charles manson
hill billy idol
megadeath and taxes
big bopper whopper
the ungrateful undead
billy goat idol
lionell train richie
squirt guns and roses
zz top ramen
stevie wonder bread
got to go go's
skid mark row
gin martini blossoms
fats domino pizza
three doors down syndrome
elvis, abbott and costello
five finger death fruit punch
blue mountain oyster cult
throat culture club
neil industrial diamond
neil simon and garfunkel
dr. jon bonjovi
the bipolar moody blues
the police state
gun controls and roses
iron butterfly net
johnny needs cash
jimmy crack corn hendrix
korn kob
johnny cash cow
boston strangler
dixie cup chicks
bing crosby stills and nash
johnny winter solstice
vanessa halen
fleetwood macintosh
the james gang banger
batman and robin trower
tower of power steering
pantera bread
zz top shelf
leonard roy cohen
the unwed mothers of invention
mc hammer toe
wu orange tang
diet ice tea
motly the hoople crue
talking decapitated heads
crosby stills nash and young cannibals
christopher cross eyed
johnny mathis complicated
judas childmolesting priest
9 inch acrylic nails
sombraerosmith
allman brothers-in-law
diana ross dress-for-less
white christmas zombie
pretty in pink floyd
dixie cup chicks
the moody premenstural blues
imitation vanilla fudge
john lennon sisters
auto bon jovi
humble cake
abba cadabra
kitchi n-sync
frank furter zappa
ten years too late
van morrison halen
abba ridgony
the trans-sexual siberian orchestra
keith urban redevelopement
stevie wonder where the yellow went
38 special ballistics test
john mellon summer camp
38 special delivery
cat astrophic stevens
credence clearwater treatment plant revival
gary u.s.s.r. bonds
democratt
christopher cross word puzzle
quicksilver messenger service contract
wilson union pickett line
iron on butterfly decal
dwight egg yokum
shania twain newton
motley crue shorts
nelson eddie rabbit
joy long division
r.e.m.ember...
credence clear waterboarding revival
the who dunnit
first blood sweat and tears
vanilla ice 9
tom waitts for no man
linkin dog park
paula abdul jabbar
hootie and the blow fish and chips
killer bee gees
ben folds oragami
the boo who
thin lizzie borden
u2 & 1/2 men
crosby stills and nash bridges
here's 35 steven wright quotes:
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 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 3 - Half the people you know are below average.
 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic said, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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more from the steven wright quotes page...

sc
• i'm going to try to be less condescending...
condescending  
means you talk down to other people
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• i'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous
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• i asked, alexa, what do women want? the thing hasn't shut up for seven days
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• what's another word for thesaurus?
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• when you transport something by car it's called a shipment
... when you transport something by ship it's called cargo
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• how do you tell when you run out of invidible ink?
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• my son kept chewing on electrical chords so i had to ground him
... he's currently doing well and conducting himself positively,
as a reward i got him a wireless extention chord
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• dictionaries were invented to make synonyms feel useful
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i read a disclaimer about reading disclaimers so i stopped
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i’m addicted to placebos,  i could quit but would it even matter?
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amal and juan are identical twins,  but their mom only carries one photo
... cause if you've seen juan you've seen amal
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can you make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water?
yes but if it's too bouncy, add distilled water... too soft, add hard water
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in my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. every so often i used to switch it on and off just to check. yesterday, i got a call from a woman in madagascar. she said cut it out
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if you were going to shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
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my kid's pediatrician refuses to look at his feet
guess i'll have to consult a pediatric pediatrist
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being paranoid is no reason to think everyone isn't out to get you
for example, once i took a polaroid at a nude beach, everyone was out to get me, which tells me you don't have to be paranoid for that to happen to you
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i'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time,
and ithink i remember forgetting about this before
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going to live forever or die trying... [ok so far]
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the cashier said strip down facing me
by the time i figured out he meant the credit card it was too late
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i've been getting into astronomy lately, so i put a skylight in my ceiling
the people living upstairs are furious
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my doctor says that laughter is the best medicine
so, he told me a joke and charged me two hundred bucks
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whenever i think about the past it brings back so many memories
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a friend asked if you could find out when and where you were going to die, would you want to know that?  i said no  he said well, forget it then
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the other night i was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and i wondered,
where the hell is my roof?
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what if there were no hypothetical situations?
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if you're driving at the speed of light, do your headlights still work?
better question…if your car's traveling the speed of light and you turn the headlights on…does the radio still lose the am signal when you drive through a black hole?
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last night my wife asked me if i'd seen the dog bowl, i said wow,i didn't know he could
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give a lawyer a fire and he'll be warm for a day
set a lawyer on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
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i read about the dangers of drinking, that's when i gave up reading
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when you really think about it, egg salad is just a younger chicken salad
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i can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them
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why doesn't ambiguous have multiple meanings?
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i got a decaffinated coffee table
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so old he was born back when the dead sea was just sick
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i went to a general store yesterday but they couldn't sell me anything specific
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
got a senior citizen gps ... it not only can tell me how to get to my destination but also what i wanted to go there for
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
is infinity an odd or even number? ... It's odd that you'd even ask
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what gets out a club soda stain?
 ketchup? ...scissors? ...battery acid? ...dehydrated water?
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what's the difference between a bi polar bear and a bipolar bear?
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
is it fair only one company is allowed to make monopoly?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
my lawyer thinks he can get me five
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
they say the universe is expanding, that should help with the traffic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to also?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i went to this special museum
that had all the heads and arms that aren't in those other museums
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
do songbirds resent that humingbirds don't know the lyrics?




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